Chinese Anatomy And Aging Bears

It’s pretty hard to believe, but even the most exciting of times has its slow news days. We can only chose to care about so much stuff, and there are only so many celebrities out there raping and killing women and children, and something’s got to happen in between. If it didn’t, what would CNN, the other CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Fox News, Court TV, Network News, Local News, C-SPAN and C-SPAN2 do? They’re very good at filling the in-between times with shows headed by crazy assholes ranging from failed politicians (Pat Buchanan) to failed comedians (Dennis Miller) to your basic, everyday, all around failures (Bill O’Reilly, Joe Scarborogh, Hannity and Colmes, Larry King and Keith Olberman to name a few). What would we do without these people? I can only fathom such a terrible existence.
Without 24-hour news channels, we would only get to hear the news a few times a day, which would mean some things would have to go. I may not have learned what Michael Jackson’s accuser’s mother said in court the past four days, or why the Germans are pissed off at the British for hinting concern over the election of a former Hitler Youth to the papacy. There are so many things that I wouldn’t know were important unless Wolf Blitzer told me (say what you will, the man has the best television name in history with the badass facial hair to back it up). But, thankfully, this will never happen, because Reuters has a special section devoted to the inane, yet somewhat entertaining part of the news world that simply doesn’t matter in any way shape or form. So, without further delay, here some weird fucking stories.

For those of you who have been looking down on Chinese people because of the fact that your dick is so much bigger than theirs, I have some bad news for you. According to a recent study, the average Chinese penis is only very slightly shorter than ours, and is almost on par with the international average. In my life, I would have never thought I ‘d live to see the day where someone would go to the effort to prove that their dick was, in fact, not small. But taxonomists are allowed to have senses of humor, and there’s no reason why a person shouldn’t feel like they can’t get over their inferiority complex through the use of scientific data. Americans, however, were not the largest. We lost out to the Italians (go figure) whose average size was about 3.54 inches, compared to our pathetic 3.46 inches. As Woody Allen once said, “I knew there was something in that pasta.”
But we have to ask ourselves who exactly was giving this data. After all, we Americans come from a myriad of different nationalities, and if we’re only measuring those of English descent, then I want a recount. The real victims in this colossal waste of time were the Israelis, Turks and Filippinos, all of who measured in at lower lengths than the Chinese. I used to say that my buddy had a dick smaller than a Chinaman (I know, not the preferred nomenclature), but I guess I’m going to have to change that to Filippino, giving people yet another reason to call me xenophobic. As if they didn’t have enough reasons already.

I used to hear about how the military was developing unmanned vehicles that could fight our wars for us. It was supposed to be the ultimate in life-preserving warfare. Our military strength would drop below 1,000 and we’d still be the strongest force in the world. This will all work out great until the machines become smarter than us, start wondering why the hell they’re fighting our wars for us, turn on us, and start hunting each and every one of us down like a bunch of…well…you’ve seen The Terminator.
But apparently, someone in Phoenix has come up with a less practical, yet wholly backward-ass idea that is almost like the unmanned vehicle idea, but far worse. He wants to train monkeys to work on SWAT teams. That’s right folks, the next time you’re held hostage by some suave European terrorists pretending to be idealistic freedom fighters, but who turn out in the end to want nothing more than the 14-million dollars in negotiable bearer bonds stashed in your super high tech vault that can only be broken by a laser-wielding computer nerd with a wit as sharp as the suits they’re wearing, and a good sense of humor, you may see Coco the Monkey busting through the door carrying an Uzi and wearing black fatigues and night-vision goggles, just itching to fuck someone up. There’s not a lot I can say about this idea that doesn’t already speak for itself. Maybe we should just let it drift.

A man in Alaska was mauled FOR THE SECOND TIME by a bear. The first “mauling” occurred thirty-eight years ago, and apparently, God wasn’t done with him yet. It’s the first time this has ever happened in recorded history, according to the grizzly old curmudgeon who works with the U.S. Geological Survey in Alaska. I’ve never been savagely beaten by a bear, but I can’t imagine it would be the most pleasant experience in the world, and I’d like to think I’d learn from my lesson the first time. I know it sounds weird that you should sing when hiking so as to scare off any bears within ear shot, but if I were mauled by a bear, and some inexplicable force of nature ever led me outside civilization again, to which I would be kicking and screaming, and I had to sing to ensure there were no more bear maulings, even 100 years after the original attack, I would fucking do it. I sympathize with a man who’s been mauled by a bear once. But if it happens twice, you must have done something to deserve it.
But that’s not what I think. I think the man was just the victim of the same ill-tempered bear. I think that bear saw a man who he’d worked over in his youth, and wanted to see if he could still cut the mustard. This is a bear mid-life crisis if I’ve ever seen one, and probably the worst luck a living human in Alaska has ever had.

Finally, a story all Oregonians can relate to. A woman in Bangladesh is selling one of her eyes to help feed her child. Yes, it is that bad over there. I’ve tried to rent out my body several times, but to no avail. Hell, I’ll even rent for free, but still no takers. I guess selling it is the only way to go.
This is why I’ll never have a kid. The woman is just fulfilling her maternal duty, something a lot of mothers with plenty of money aren’t able to do. I say kudos and huzzahs to her. But still, why not lose a kidney? If you lose a kidney, fuck it, you still have another perfectly good one (unless she’s already sold that). But if you lose your depth of field, you’ll never get through life. Not to mention, you’ll look a little odd. Thankfully, I’m sure the publicity stirred by this woman will earn her more than enough celebrity credit in Bollywood to buy plenty of food. Crisis averted.By the way, not to change the subject here, but have you heard about that kidnapping victim who just hired a publicity agent? No? It’s so fucked up. Apparently, life-threatening trauma now requires professional representation. She’s going to get a book deal, and probably a movie of the week. Some people have all the luck. But if you want to make the victim thing work, you have to act like all the money and fame is just some by-product of being able to make your case to the public. Such blatant greed is disgusting to me, but its part of the new century. Nothing’s a surprise anymore. This woman will milk her tragedy for all it’s worth without the least bit of effort to hide her greed, and be used up like a cheap hooker on crack. She’ll cash her check, and spend the rest of her pathetic life wondering what more she can do to gain from her “unfortunate tragedy.” What a bunch of bullshit. Anyways, I’ve strayed again and it’s time for me to head off to bed. Have a good one, people.

Enough With The Pope Already

Hello my faithful followers. I haven’t been around for a few days, and I apologize, but it couldn’t be helped. I was held up with some personal business, but let’s stop fucking around. A lot has been going on, and the world seems to be falling apart without me in the captain’s chair, so lets get right down to it.

For those of you who were as worried as me about the Papal vacancy, we can all now sleep at night. A new pope was selected earlier today in Vatican City, and already we can see the world around us is looking a little safer. Selecting a pope wasn’t easy, and it certainly isn’t something that should be hastily done. It takes the right blend of understanding of the faith, and a nose for international diplomacy. The pope has to be able to lift the spirits of an entire world, something that requires an understanding of all races and creeds. The new pope needs to be benevolent as well as charitable. And that’s why I’ll rest easier tonight knowing that our new pope is a very conservative German who served as the last pope’s advisor.
I’ll be the first to admit that he wasn’t my first choice. The egalitarian side of me wanted Cardinal Francis Arinze from Nigeria. He’s a little old to be pope, and that’s saying something, but I think enough is enough with the Europeans. Let’s get a little international flavor in this mutha. Cardinal Arinze not to your liking? How about Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodrigueq Maradiaga from Tegucigalpa? I don’t know where that is, but the guy looks like a pretty nice person to me. I think the fact that he’d have to shorten his name would be reason enough to support this guy.
But we could have certainly done worse. Cardinal Godfried Danneels from Brussels is a polished, sleazy, hand shaking/baby kissing douche bag with no real feeling, and the less said about Cardinal Claudio Hummes from Sao Paulo, the better. In the end, I think we’ll be okay, but we certainly could have done better. I always thought a pope from New Jersey would be great. Who wouldn’t be able to keep from laughing at the sound of someone from the bridge and tunnel crew with a casual relationship with English grammar give the annual Easter speech from the window of the pope-pad. But I can only imagine what kind of controversy an American pope would bring out. After all, we’ve been so good with international diplomacy in the past. It’s what we’re known for. And I know there’s no one who loves us more than the Italians. They like us almost as much as the French. Plus, the charges of sexual misconduct from slutty women who were once innocent little alter-girls would be a sad reminder of the previous five years regarding the Catholics in the United States.
I do have to give credit for the new Pope’s name, though. Benedict is so much better than the boring-ass names like John Paul, and John, and Paul. The name choosing is the first, and some say, the most important decision a newly crowned pope has to make. It can make or break an entire papacy and I think that Benedict is ballsy. We’ll have to see if it pays off, but I myself can say that such a bold move has induced me to switch religions: that, and the confessional. Who can’t love a religion where you can get out of going to hell by telling some nameless, faceless person what you’ve done? I’m sold, where are my rosary beads?
I hate to be the person to bring this up, but is it just slightly possible that we’re making too much of this pope mumbo jumbo. The last two Newsweek covers were about the pope. NO ONE gets two Newsweek covers, not even me! Why should some Pollock with a kind heart get two covers in a row? I’m fucking nice! We must really be bleeding our news sources dry, because there isn’t shit going on. Congress has even decided to hold Steroid/Football hearings to see if there’s any funny business going on there (anyone who needs senate hearings to tell them there is steroid use going on in football is too stupid to live). I was enjoying life more during the Terri Shiavo thing…okay not really, but it wasn’t much worse either.

But that isn’t all that happened in the land of which we care little about. A parliamentarian in Iraq has accused a U.S. soldier of beating the crap out of him. The scuffle happened outside Iraq’s parliament where the man was going for a meeting. The soldier claimed he didn’t have the right parking permit, and beat him down when the man refused to move his car. This obviously looks bad, but can we really blame the soldier? I think this was just another case of misplaced aggression. How many of you have wanted to kick the shit out of your congressman/woman? Me too. I know I wouldn’t hesitate at the first opportunity to smack David Wu around for a little while. Come to think of it, there are a few congressmen outside my district who I’d like to mess up as well. I should be so lucky. (By the way, I don’t think David Wu is our congressman, but I know he is an Oregon Republican, and there can’t be a worse kind.) So hat’s off to this Unknown Soldier. He took the bull by the horns, and just did it. I don’t think he could have gotten away with it in the U.S. but no one knows what’s going on over there. PFC Bryan Kopra could be running things for all we know. It’s a zoo, and I say if someone feels the need to take out a little aggression on a person in a similar position to a sleazy greedy asshole over here, then so be it. Castrate the bastard, but let him live.

We’re starting to get side tracked here, so I’ll just leave you with one more little note. It turns out that some biennial report card ranking 49 of the states came out today (I’d like to know what one state had to be a bummer and not participate. Probably Alabama, they knew they wouldn’t like the results), and Oregon is thought to only be average.
“Although Oregonians may see themselves, like the children of the mythical town of Lake Wobegon as above average, ‘we’re actually average in comparison to the rest of the nation.’” The Oregonian gave this deliciously clever quote. The report measured all kinds of areas ranging from the environment, to education, to poverty and all that other crap. I’d just like to say right now that I think if Portland were its own state, we would be number one. We are by far the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD, and those toothless losers down south are fucking up our Chi (is that how you spell it?), cramping our style and all that other stuff. As the voice of the people, I feel it’s my duty to start a movement to get Portland to secede from the union that is Oregon. After all, what exactly would we miss? Eugene? I don’t fucking think so. No, we’d be better off on our own, or better yet, we could join Washington. They’ve ranked higher than us in many of these areas, and they have really good apples. Anyways, I leave it to you, the voter to decide. As for me, I’m going for a ride in my new German-made car. Ciao.

I'm Having An Unusual Day

I don't have a lot of time today, so I'll make this short and sweet. There's a giant 15-foot red rubber ball making its way around downtown Portland. I first saw it three days ago blocking the entrance at City Hall. I just saw it again nestled in between conjoining beams at the World Trade Center. The first time I saw it, I was willing to chalk the whole experience up to being dead tired on a Tuesday morning. Surely, I was seeing things.
But my worst fears have been realized, and all I want to know now is if I'm seeing things or not. I've seen no mention of this in the papers, and no one seems to know what I'm talking about. But I can't be going crazy, it just isn't possible.
The balls remind me of the movie version of It, one of those crappy four hour Stephen King movies produced by USA in the 1980s that they only show now when they're waiting for the next crop of Stephen Segal movies to come in. There are a couple of scenes where these geeks see a bunch of red balloons that inexplicably blow up, spewing either blood or red paint all over the place. I think we're supposed to think it's blood, but that's a moot point. I don't know if this red rubber ball has paint, blood, or air in it, but I'd like to know. So if someone can alleviate my fears, I would be forever grateful.
While we're on the subject of It, I'd like to know what demented asshole invented the clown as a way of making children laugh. I'm a grown man (technically) and clowns still scare the shit out of me. Maybe it's the movie, but I don't think so. Everyone has their fears, and mine is of clowns. But we needn't worry about that today. It's a discussion for Statesmen such as myself, and we will have that discussion one of these days. As I've said before, I'm pressed for time, so I'll leave you with one more thought. If this red rubber ball thing is done in the name of artistic...Whatever, why couldn't they make it a less intimidating, more pleasant color? I prefer dark green, how about you?

What Consists of Chinese Breakfast?

I remember a few months ago, a colleague remarked to me that we were going to lose World War III to the Chinese. I thought it was poppycock. But he was insistent, claiming that they were in the process of building up their military, and it wouldn’t be long until their armed forces would be able to overpower ours. I couldn’t see it then, and I’m still having a little difficulty with it now. After all, these are people who still haven’t been able to grasp the technology of the fork. They were farmers and modest merchants. How could they even afford to build an army of that size?
But, according to an article in The Washington Post, China actually is building up their military strength. Not only that, but much of their budget is going to technological weapons that are far more advanced than our own. Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was known to be concerned over this, and now, so am I. I just realized how many people there are in China. If they have the same ratio of citizens to soldiers as we do, we’d be fucked.
Plus, these so called super human fighting machines with the power to outsmart the smartest of smart bombs will be far superior to anything we have. They even have a missile that is capable of traveling only four meters above water. That’s awesome. I want to see one of these things. Preferably, I’d like to see them shot at someone else, but if it has to be us, so be it. I always thought it would be cool to experience a tidal wave first hand, and if that’s how I’m going to go, there are worse ways. The missile thing would also be cool. Of course, there’s nothing to shoot at us around here that would warrant the expenditure of one of these amazing hovering missiles. Maybe I’ll have to move closer to a military base. What they really need are missiles that can both hover, and turn around a corner. If you really want to hit New York where it hurts, Rockefeller Center’s the only way to go, and I imagine you’ll have to weave through a few skyscrapers to get there. Trust me, it’ll be worth it in the end.
But I digress, as I am known to do from time to time. The important thing to remember here is that there isn’t a lot of reason for China to attack us. Plus, the idea of America is a pretty big force in itself, so the Chinese are probably just as scared of us as I am of them. But that could all change. Some dumb asshole signed a treaty with Taiwan that says we have to intervene if China decides to cross the South China Sea and kick a little ass. I’m sure when the treaty was signed, it sounded like a good idea. The Chinese were probably still fighting with carbines and cannonballs. We could intervene, and not even have to send troops over. It was a win-win situation. We could defend the little guy, and you know how much we Americans love a good underdog story (so long as we ourselves aren’t the underdogs). We could protect that mysterious island of which we know nothing about, and every four star general holdover from the cold war could get a hard at the sight of defeating the Commies one more time. It would be glorious.
So, what I’m thinking now is if China can kick our ass, what’s to stop them from invading Taiwan, putting those cocky bastards in their place? And, what I’m further wondering is whether someone in that nation of one billion people is going to ask themselves why we shouldn’t invade the U.S. Sure, defeating us in Asia, and invading the U.S. homeland are two entirely different things, but if you can make a missile travel only four meters above the water, while going God knows how fast, you can pretty much do anything.
So that one treaty will set off a chain reaction of events that will have us all speaking Chinese by 2050. But is that really so bad? I put it to you, the voter. After all, everyone likes Chinese food, so our culinary lives wouldn’t be too affected. Plus, I always felt the China life would be a sweet life. They don’t seem to be too stressed about anything, not like those tight-ass Japanese across the pond. Plus, I’ve always liked those hats that they wear. Not to mention, I think everyone, men and women, can get together on the fact that Asian whores are awesome. We’d be crazy not to let them rule us for a while. So let them come; I’m sure we’ll put up a good fight, we’ll at least make it look respectable. Perhaps we can even send off a few nukes before they get hold of the button. As the voice of the people, I think it is my duty to encourage us all to go quietly. Don’t delay the inevitable. If you’re that worried, move to Canada. But I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

But the news need not be all that daunting. The Oregonian reported today that the state’s unemployment rate went down from 6.4 to 6.2 percent last month. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s supposed to be the largest drop in unemployment in our state’s history. I can see what’s going to happen now. Those inconsiderate pricks in Washington who chose to forget about us for the past few years are now going to come back and claim that it was all their doing. The fact is, this was the result of a natural cycle, one that could have shifted much faster if those bat-shit crazy douche bags have pulled their heads out of their asses a long time ago. I could be two years younger right now. But instead I have memories of working for a chemical lawn distributor as a pamphleteer in NE Portland, while living with my parents, dead broke. It wasn’t a fun way to live, and I can only thank God I’ll probably never have to experience that again. Some greasy, gold chain-wearing jackass with an IQ of 12 would hand me a stack of forms with addresses on them, and I’d have to go to do “lawn assessments.” I’d have to cover over 150 houses every day, and if I didn’t make my quota, I’d be dropped like a bad habit. I should have been so lucky.
The job only lasted a week, and it actually had some good parts. I saw both the worst and the best parts of Portland within a mile of each other. Alameda is disgustingly rich, and all the shit heads I went to high school with who bragged because they were from THE EAST SIDE were fucking hypocritical pussies. MLK Boulevard around Ainsworth was a different story. I went to drop off a “lawn assessment” one day at a house that didn’t have a lawn so much as it had a dirt area with a few weeds. A kid about my age came out of the house wearing very expensive clothing and jewelry, demanding to know what the fuck I wanted. After explaining that I wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness, he gratefully took the pamphlet and left me with a cruel warning not to walk south down the street because there were gang members shooting at people. I wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him, but I didn’t want to take any chances. Unfortunately, my car was parked in that direction, so I had no choice but to proceed. I thought about how pathetic it would be to be shot to death while shilling for a bogus chemical lawn company (they targeted the uneducated and destitute because they knew such a cross-section of people were dumb enough to buy this shit); it wasn’t the kind of obituary I was hoping for. It was actually probably the most depressing thought I’ve ever had. So I shoved it back to my subconscious, and I proceeded…very fast. I got the hell out of there, and haven’t looked back since. Actually, I’ve been to the neighborhood a couple of times. It looks dangerous, and maybe it is, but I don’t like the idea of not going where I want to go…not that I would ever want to go there…but tell a man he can’t do something, and it becomes the first thing he wants to do.
But, once again, I digress. I’ll just end by saying that the last thing you ever want to do is work for this company. They’re heinous.

P.S. In this week’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us, what the fuck is up with The Ultimate Warrior? He was a boyhood idol of mine. I was so proud the day I saw him pin Macho Man Randy Savage in the cage of…whatever. But I just found out from one of my esteemed colleagues that he’s one jack-boot shy of being a Nazi. Apparently the guy likes to make fun of Middle-Easterners and gays. Okay, I know a lot of people like that, but none of them are big enough assholes to do it in public where people are listening (of course, just how many people were listening? It couldn’t have been that many). The Ultimate Wanker is now suing a website for making these accusations. What’ll they think of next? I suppose they’ll have a Republican/pornographic website star with White House press credentials, and no conscience.

Lessons From Our Ancestors

In early November of last year, a popular British newspaper asked how fifty million Americans could be so stupid. I couldn’t help but admire the way in which the paper was able to put forth such a condescending question. There really is nothing like British elitism. I’ve been asking the same thing for four years now. When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
It’s easy to dislike the English. They sit over there on their little island, looking down on the rest of the world with their tea, and their marmalade, and their superior linguistic skills. Their women are as ugly as their men, and they don’t like visiting the dentist. They’re like Canada, but with more balls. Calling Americans stupid seems to be very indicative of the stereotypical English mind. We may have the power, but we’ll always be those immature little punks who are trying to get back at the world for being rejected from Europe four hundred years ago.
The paper was referring, of course, to the recent reelection of George W. Bush. The British weren’t the only people wondering how such a thing was possible. All around the world, jaws were slackened at the sight of the world’s most powerful nation displaying such immense incompetence. But the British shouldn’t be so quick to judge. The latest edition of the London Review of Books contains an article where critic John Lanchester bemoans the imminent reelection of Tony Blair.
The situation with the Labour party in England is fascinating, because there is a close resemblance to the Republican Party in the United States. The main difference is that Labour is the most powerful liberal party in the country. Tony Blair has been in office for five years now, and there is little similarity between his politics now, and what he campaigned on when the Labour party originally took power from the Tories. He was a progressive liberal if ever there was one, and people couldn’t have been happier when he won. But that was so long ago. Since then, Blair has made moves to the right that would make Gordon Smith blush. He’s proposed a series of moves that would put many of the social programs in effect today into the hands of the private sector (sound like someone we know?). His staunch support of the U.S. invasion of Iraq two years ago was also a surprise to the loyal public who knew as much as anyone how damaging a move like this could be.
Blair is obviously not the most principled liberal in the world, but he’s one of the smartest politicians England is likely to see for a long time. Backing Bush has won him few friends in Britain, but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference. I’m fairly certain that Blair holds as much resentment for Bush as any Democrat in the country. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when those two met. Blair’s eloquence and intelligence having to take a back seat to a trigger-happy redneck with a true appreciation of disengagement would be a tough needle to thread for a man who’s obviously used to getting his way. But as I said before, Blair’s a smart politician, and he knows that you sometimes have to hold hands with the devil to be led to the promised land.
In the absence of true leadership, people will follow the next best thing. I’m not sure who originally said that, but it seems to be a universal truth, if not the only truth. How many of you voted for John Kerry? How many voted against George Bush? Me too. Britain is unique in that it doesn’t have a strict two party system. The many political parties in England that may not have as much power as the Tories and Labour still have some power. One would be a fool to compare them to Libertarians, Greens, or the Nazi Party. Perhaps England’s best hope is that they’ll follow the progressive line to the next liberal party, whilst the Tories shrink from existence. I’m not sure that’ll happen, but one has to like their chances better than ours.
But this all has to be shocking to an American Democrat. We’ve seen ourselves as the virtuous party for a long time now, and little has happened that would to debunk the sentiment. Our last President was pretty much martyred as a Democrat wanting to do the right thing, and it was that, and not his predilection for kinky sex with a cigar, that ruined him. Republicans of the nineties, and today, are demonized as cruel, evil assholes who believe in upholding the law, so long as they don’t have to abide by it themselves. But only demons can be justly demonized, and no one has more demons in their closet than the Republicans. We Democrats tell ourselves today that we may be weak pushovers with little or no influence in the country we used to rule as a vast plurality, but we’re good people, and in the end, we do the right thing. Seeing another liberal party go the way of the elephant may be demoralizing. Many of us will say that we’re not like those pansy-ass fancy boys who’ve pushed aristocratic tendencies so deep into the national psyche that all who grow from that soil will be infected throughout the rest of the nations sordid time spent on earth. But I would argue to those people not to be too snooty about it. After all, we don’t want to be like them, do we?
Lyndon Johnson is probably the closest Democrat we’ve had that resembles Blair. He turned on the war in Vietnam after a legendary career in the Senate, and a shaky time while playing second mate to the Party’s most popular Democrat ever. Johnson was elected once because of his association with Kennedy, and his opposition to the war. But when he flipped on the war, he gave both of those luxuries up, and the party would never forgive him. I thought for the longest time that he was a Republican because of the way that people spoke of him with such contempt.
But Blair, so far, hasn’t had to suffer the same fate. He’s holding strong with his base, and nobody’s going to be able to oust him this time. Rumors circulated last summer that Blair wouldn’t even be running for reelection. All the major papers covered what was thought to be his final year at 10 Downing Street with gusto and great interest. But Blair was quick to deny any rumors of the sort, and what was once a promising possibility a year ago has now vanished, and once again, people are feeling themselves to be without a true leader.The point I’ve been trying to make this whole time is that those fucking pointy-eared snobs across the pond shouldn’t be too quick to point fingers. We may rule the world right now, but they still look at us with contempt. We’re like the son who’s trying to get his alcoholic father to like him, while the father tries his best to hate the son even though the two have more in common than either would care to admit. We weren’t able to learn our lesson last year. But it doesn’t look like our older and much more mature counterpart will either. As the voice of the people, I would be careful to judge the mighty British empire, but I think a little nose thumbing isn’t out of line. Adios.

A Great Man Questions His Self Worth

"Why are all our heroes so imperfect?"
-?

I had a nervous breakdown last night. I tried to fly too close to the sun on wings of wax, and the following is a cautionary tale to all who attempt the same. I am not proud of what I wrote last night, but I think it's important for those you who so ardently follow my writings that you see just what can happen to even the best of men. I apologize to those of you who I let down, and I hope you can forgive me. I am a lot more sane right now, and I can see that what I wrote was pure crap. I was trying to achieve the heights that I had so many times before, and I failed miserably. I ended up lying in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom, sweating and babbling to myself in Elvish. I didn't even know I knew Elvish.
Not all of this was written in order. I started off trying to explain my terrible state, but it just led to more pointless babbling and saber rattling. Anyways, enjoy:

I've been tired for the past two weeks now. I had to work a ten-hour shift at The Firm to cover people who don't want to show up when they're supposed to. The weather had been shit with the exception of the past few hours, and I spent four hours last night in a class with a bunch of spoiled little shits who were less interested in learning what we were supposed to be learning, and more interested in bitching about the fucking length of the class. The professor is okay, but it feels like she's just trying to fill time, and while I applaud her passion for her job, the redundancy of going over what we had already read as if we'd never heard of the word "psychology" isn't good for anyone. Today was a terrible day of work. We're short-handed, short tempered, and short sighted (I just needed a third short thing to make the sentence flow better). But I was determined to write an installment today, being that it is my duty as the voice of the people. Unfortunately, what spilled forth was a page of the vilest shit one could hope for. Note the cunning lyricism that ensues when a genius such as myself is unleashes his potential on the world. Express awe at the grand manner with which I dispel so many titillating tidbits of information (Being that you can't read the tone of my voice, I'll tell you right now I was being sarcastic). I am personally ashamed to be myself today.
So read ahead, if you've got some time to kill, along with some extra brain cells that are getting in the way of dessert. I've decided to bless you people with three installments a week, and I assure you this is going to be the worst one you'll ever have to read. I wouldn't even bother if I were you, but I wrote the fucking thing, so I may as well post it. I apologize before hand for the time you'll never get back. Buona sera.

I have been accused on more than one occasion for being a "Negative Ned." Some people find my comments to be cynical and fueled by a deeper anger at life in general, a side condition that tends to come with never getting the girl. Well, this entry is dedicated to all of you. I've spent the past two weeks talking about whatever topic made me fume, and I'd like to say now that I'm not completely negative when it comes to my areas of interest. I'd like to think I'm actually a pretty optimistic person, and it's the system that has let me down. If that doesn't satisfy you, then fuck off motherfuckers, I never wanted your advice anyway. Being the representative of a generation isn't easy work, but someone has to do it. I was given natural ability, and a voice to pass on my many years of wisdom to those who don't contain the foresight that has made me the voice of the people. So lets move on, my friends. I will try to be a little more positive from now on, but if I'm not, you can just lick my balls.

But in keeping with this newfound spirit of optimism, I would like to focus on some of the more promising things that have happened in the past couple of days. President Bush's approval ratings have hit an all-time low, according to the most recent Gallup Polls. Last week's poll had his ratings at an all time low of 45%, and while those numbers have risen in the past couple of days, they are still even with his disapproval ratings, and there isn't much happening right now that's going to change it. According to The New York Times, the president doesn't share the values of the country. While Bush is trying to push his social security plan forward, the vast majority of the population disagrees with what he wants to do with social security. 67% of people polled feel that the economy is in a poor condition, and 59% feel the same way about the state of the country.
I was really worried when I heard about this new plan to "fix" social security. Bush has been talking about it since before he was elected in 2000, but I never thought the bastard would be crazy enough to try it. His "mandate" that he was awarded after his "victory" last fall has given him a "big" head, which has "caused" him to bite off more than he could chew. I'm what people in the history department call an "old-lighter." I'm one of the last few unfortunate people desperately clinging to the idea that social programs like social security, and welfare are a good idea. I don't know enough about FDR to speak intelligently (at least compared to how incredibly ingenious I usually sound), but he seemed like a good man, wheel chair or not. And I don't see why getting rid of one of the few successful social programs, along with the sentiment it introduced to a cynical world, is such a good idea. Old-lighters like me are a dying breed, and our voices are dying along with us. But it looks as though there's hope after all. Of course, the President doesn't "listen" to the people who he considers to be nothing more than a "focus group." It's not like we elected the guy to do what's best for us.
We now turn to the blooper reel where we find that someone in Washington severely fucked up. Republican Senator Mel Martinez from Florida was caught with his hand in the cookie jar a couple of days ago when a memo of his was leaked to the public. The memo outlined ways that a politician could benefit by politicizing the Terri Shiavo debacle. Martinez claims that he knew nothing about the piece of paper, that it was written by an aide against his strongest wishes, and that he'd find out which aide it was, have him/her taken out back where the New Jersey delegation will kick the shit out of him/her, Teamster-style. Oh, how I miss the good old days. Martinez claims that the memo ended up in his hands without him even knowing it, and that he had no intention of using it in any way. You have to love it when a U.S. Senator's excuse is one step above the old "I'm just holding this cigarette for a friend" routine. Martinez was about as shocked as Lt. Renoir was when he learned that there was gambling going on a Rick's.
While I've been enjoying this story throughout the day, the sad part is that there is very little surprise expressed both in the media, and in congress, over this occasion. Actually, I'm not that surprised. It's not like we had a lot of faith in these people before.
Finally, our good friend Tom Delay is back in the news. Apparently, he is appalled at the witch-hunt going on within The New York Times regarding his shaky financial records. It seems that Delay was caught having taken illegal money once again from a political action committee, and now he's doing what all Publicans do best, playing defense with offense. He is absolutely disgusted with the way the papers have handled this story, which is obviously nothing more than a ruse to weaken the GOP. Every Jew Congressman Democrat has apparently done Delay harm by not coming to his aid, and exposing this terrible smear campaign for what it is. After all, doesn't everybody do it?
This was all happy news to me. It is likely that nothing will come from any of it, and the direction in which we are heading will likely stay its course. But if you can't laugh at life every once in a while, what's the point of going on. At least that's what my shrink tells me.

Disclaimer: On a less sincere note, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of you who feel I'm focusing too much on politics. I thought about writing another memorandum telling you to kiss my ass, but it wouldn't do any good. My fragile ego isn't able to stand up to this kind of barrage, and I'm considering packing it all in. Okay, maybe not, but if anyone has a problem with what I'm saying, I'd like to let it be known from here forth that all criticism will be taken with the most of concern. I will not blow up at anyone, or chew anyone's head off. Someone criticized my baseball installment last week, and I threw a Molotov cocktail through his window. This was a terrible thing to do, and I'd like to apologize for my horrific actions. I knew you were speaking out of fear and ignorance, and that I shouldn't be listening to what you say.
As for the politics thing, I do it because it's fun and those of you who don't like it can eat shit. I talk about what I want to talk about and you'll listen goddamnit, because it's in your best interest to do what I say. Why don't you trust me? It sounds to me like you're the one who is being selfish. Politics is about as real as Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, but we pay attention to them because they keep us interested, and shift the focus from the fact that our lives are all heading to hell in a handbag, and there isn't a fucking thing we can do about it. I like talking about this shit, and while it doesn't mean a goddamned thing in the end, I'm going to fucking do it anyways, and you will like it. You got a problem with that shithead? I didn't fucking think so (I'm back, baby).

P.S. But seriously, I'm having an off day, and I will return to you next week with all new tales of interest and insight. If you want to do yourself a favor, forget that you ever read this, and thank God you're not dead right now. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Maybe I should just stick with being negative.

P.P.S. I'm thinking about getting a fish. Any advice?

Mighty Casey Has Struck Out

”If you’re a fan, you’re a fan, and you’re willing to overlook and forgive all the other nonsense.”
-Steve Greenberg

Only a really desperate asshole would make a comment like that. But Greenberg, the Deputy Commissioner of Major League Baseball is running out of options. This defensive comment was made in regard to the fact that baseball is under the microscope in Washington right now. He wants people to know that the only way to be a true fan of the game is to not ask questions, and just move on. Steroid use, after all, isn’t that big of a deal.
I’m not a big baseball fan. I grew up watching the Athletics, and when they started to suck, I followed the Blue Jays. After they won their two World Series’, I shifted my focus to the promising Yankees, who would go on to do me proud by winning the World Series more than a couple of times. I am that most despised of creature when it comes to professional sports, a front-runner. I was never proud of this fact, but I’ve been able to limit my spineless tendencies to just baseball. I stopped caring about baseball when I realized that the Yankees were obviously buying their championships, but even I was offended by Greenberg’s comment.
Greenberg is going with the Bush strategy of bullying people into liking baseball. Either he’s adopted Karl Rove’s strategy, or he’s beefing up his resume in an effort to get a job with the “Jeb Bush for President, 2008” campaign. This quote is the equivalent to a man beating the shit out of his wife and then saying, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t focus on the fact that I just sent you to the hospital, but rather on the flowers that I bought you on our first date fifteen years ago.” But, Greenberg won’t be anymore successful than the 95% of baseball organizations who have failed to turn a profit in over five years. Major League Baseball has cashed its check.
There is very little legal consequence to these baseball hearings. The hearings have started on more than one occasion with a committee member kissing the ass of the players on the record. They all start by saying, “First of all, I’d like to say that I and my son are big fans. Little Joey has grown up watching you….” They claim to be true fans of the game, and maybe they are. But only scum sucking swine would suck up to some spoiled athletes, while accusing them of ruining a game that is supposed to symbolize all that makes America great. We are dealing with the senate, after all.
No one is going to jail, and no one is going to lose the remainder of their career, along with the millions of dollars they’ll make, playing a game for a living. If congress weren’t a total joke, things may be different, but I’m laughing my ass off when I look at Capital Hill. The real problem, as is always with athletes, is in the public relations realm. It doesn’t help that the average baseball game lasts over four and a half hours (up over two hours from its inception), now the landmark events that we wait so patiently to see have turned out to be a sham. McGuire didn’t hit 70 homeruns, steroids did (I am, for the purposes of this paper, and common sense, declaring guilt). Bonds isn’t going to break Aaron’s record, the cream that he rubs all over himself will (with his injuries, and financial troubles, he may not reach that goal saving the lives of anyone hoping to profit off of baseball in the coming years). I’ll never watch a race between two titans like McGuire and Sosa again without wondering which one of them is willing to risk their hairline more to achieve greatness. I could probably hit a homer today off the weak ass pitching without that shit anyway. Defense is unimportant these days.

But the bigger P.R. problem is that these people aren’t who we thought they were. Actually, Bonds was always kind of a dick, but McGuire had this squeaky clean Christian image that did so much for him. I was a Bash-Brothers fan like anyone else on the west coast in the 1980s; and just like me, I’m sure nobody had a problem noticing that he’d ballooned about five sizes since that time. He was a completely different person. Seeing Mark these days is like seeing a man who has just made employee of the month, but had to suck every dick, kiss every ass, and alienate every friend just to get it. The victory just doesn’t matter for him now. I guarantee you he’s praying that he’ll never have to endure an induction ceremony into the hall of fame. The guilt will kill him before the drugs do.
As for Barry, I don’t know whether to kick his ass or shake his hand. He’s the biggest dick there is in professional sports, and you’re talking to someone who lives in the same city as the Trailblazers. Bonds is so bad for baseball that Bud Selig and our friend Greenberg are both praying he’ll never beat Aaron’s record. Aaron wasn’t a saint, but he was a good man, and no one could argue that he didn’t deserve what he got. But Bonds is the worst kind of spokesperson for a sport that is struggling with image problems. He’s rude to the press; he alienates himself both emotionally and physically from his teammates, and he’s being investigated for cheating on his taxes. This guy is a world-class prick. Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan are known to be total assholes when it comes down to business. But these are two geniuses at the peak of their medium who simply have to have it their way. They want it their way because they know their way is right, and they’re correct most of the time.
I wish I could say the same for Bonds, but tax evasion doesn’t fall within the scope of artistic genius. But, I like that he’s a total dick. It’s not like he’s the first. There aren’t that many athletes unlike him. But he doesn’t even try to hide it. We don’t see Bonds doing commercials in an effort to raise money for homeless babies with diseases. He doesn’t give a fuck, and he really doesn’t care who knows that. He’s looking out for number one, and while I think it’s pretty disgusting, at least it’s honest.

Like all other things, this kind of childish, petty behavior has existed for over a century in baseball. Those longing for the good old days are referring to a time when we didn’t have the kind of media coverage we have now; where every little aspect of a player’s life is known. Mantle used to drink a pint of bourbon, fuck a stripper, and bet on the ponies all during the seventh inning stretch. He’d get his drugs from Dick Shapp, and shoot up with anyone from either team who was willing to throw in on the bag.
The reason we have an American, and National league these days stems from the conflict of the early nineteen hundreds when baseball players protested the minor wages they were earning (their wages were nowhere near the comparatively silly amounts of money paid to ballplayers today, but it was still a hell of a lot for a game). “Wee” Willy Keeler and “Mean” John McGraw were both the victims and the instigators of this petulant arguing between the players and the brass. Keeler was the last person in baseball who would have played for free if he had to, and McGraw was the meanest asshole in the world. Together, the Baltimore Orioles dominated baseball through the late nineteenth, and early twentieth century. But, as a result of the strike, Keeler was forced to retire and die broke and alone in his Brooklyn home where he was born. McGraw switched sides, managing the N.Y. Giants in what would become known as his grumpy years. He taught his players how to slide with their cleats up, crushing whatever balls a second-baseman had dared to grow. He encouraged his pitchers to throw at the batter if he gave them any shit. He ran a training camp that Navy Seals would be scared about. He made Ty Cobb look like Mr. Rodgers; he was to Major League Baseball what LBJ was to the Senate; a borderline psychotic dictator with sociopath-type tendencies who always got the job done.
One would think that we could learn a lot from these two people. Both Keeler and McGraw had a true love for the game, and it showed every night in the way they played. Steroids obviously didn’t exist in those days (I don’t think), but just a hint of that shit in the Baltimore dugout would have led to immediate castration by Keeler for the pusher, shortly before McGraw would stomp the shit out of him like a Klansman at a Civil Rights rally. Eventually, even those two gave in to greed. They voted to strike right along with the others, but they would have never tolerated the junk.
Whether things have gotten better or worse today is insignificant. The more concerning issue is that most people don’t care anymore. W.P. Kinsella writes novels about baseball with a Gabbie Marquez-like sense of magical realism. His fluid prose added a feeling of mystique and beauty to a game with no boundaries and mythical history. Today, those stories are all that remain, and the pro-business, fuck everyone attitude perpetuated through generations has finally reached the end of its rope. Baseball is now like that broken down crack-whore we all know (maybe too well); she may have been a great piece of ass in her day, but the greed and addiction has made her look ragged, and ugly. There’s nothing more hideous right now than the state baseball is in.

A Quick Correction...

One of my many faithful readers took it upon himself to correct an error from one of last week's installments. The school shooting that took the lives of ten students happened on a reservation in Minnesota, not Montana (by the way, you misspelled Minnesota, how you like them apples, bitch). This silly bastard is obviously too stupid to realize that I did it for a reason. I don't make mistakes, I use subtle metaphors. If you can't understand them, I can't waste my time explaining them to you. But thanks anyway...I guess.

We Need A Twenty-Fifth Commandment

I have a very ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach tonight. It’s the result of something that I’ve never had to experience in my life, but the dangers of what’s happened over the weekend are daunting to say the least.
News outlets around the world have been covering the long anticipated death of Pope John Paul II over the past few days. I’ve learned more about him from watching ten minutes of CNBC than I had for the twenty-five years during his reign. Numerous stories on the life of the Pope, his triumphs and tribulations have clogged the airways all weekend, and it seems that little else has happened in the world.
With this I am forced to ask: Am I the only one who is uncomfortable living in a world without a Pope on the throne? I know it’s important that we give some time before holding the next elections to reflect on the previous Pope’s work, but without a moral leader, how are we going to maintain order in society? I have a terrible feeling that sodomy and murder are going to rise dramatically until we can fill the vacant seat. Everyone knows you don’t want to have an empty throne in this situation. Even the U.S. Constitution allows for an immediate succession should something happen to the President. People need to know that someone is in charge, ready to kick ass should the shit hit the fan. But there isn’t even a presumptive replacement in line for the papacy. It sounds like we’re going to have another messy election full of mud slinging, stories of kinky sex, push polling, opposition research, shaky financial ethics and one Cardinal who blows his load every time he gets excited. People are extremely panicky, and the Vatican isn’t safe without God’s own Power Ranger to kick some ass should some degenerate sinner show up at the gates demanding to use the john. Am I the only one who’s worrying about this? Yes? Okay…fine.
But the fact is that the world doesn’t stop rotating when the Pope dies. He is, after all, only human. Iraqi insurgents attacked Abu Ghraib yesterday. Eighteen American troops and twelve prisoners were injured in the attack that included both car bombs, and gunfire. Death in Iraq is now becoming a daily event, and it seems that we are sinking deeper and deeper into a situation that we can’t get out of, and one is reminded of our “police action” in Vietnam. The “V” word isn’t something that politicians will ever use. It’s a black mark on our otherwise unblemished history, something that we can’t yet get past. As well we shouldn’t. Many of the geniuses who got us into that mess are still around and in power this very day. They don’t seem to be learning from their mistakes, and while hindsight is always 20/20, I find it hard to believe that no one foresaw this eventuality. Most people don’t think that there’s going to be a draft, myself being one of those people, but when we’re sending National Guardsmen across the Atlantic to “fight the good fight,” one has to ask who’s minding the shop. Thank God we have a wartime President right now. Otherwise, we may all be fucked.
But this is an old song and dance, and I don’t want to bore my loyal followers with what they already know. Besides, it was an eventful weekend, the news wasn’t completely negative, and it didn’t all deal with death. The Washington Post is reporting that Connecticut is very close to recognizing gay civil unions. I like to pick an issue each election, and get really pissed off about it. Gay marriage was my last one. Being the voice of the people, I am forced to push for an egalitarian society. I can’t stomach this shit, and I really want to beat the crap out of a xenephobic shit-brain right now. You have to admire a group that refuses to let anyone tell them what they do and don’t have a right to. After numerous crushing defeats throughout the country, the gay community is getting off the mat, and saying, “Is that all you got, bitch? If I wanted a kiss, I would have gone to your mother.” A lesser group of people would have crumbled under the pressure by now, but not these guys. Keep up the good work boys and girls.
Now that I’ve done the P.C. thing, I think it’s time that I mention one more thing that I’m very concerned about. Trent Lott is back, and it looks like he’s found some new enemies within his own team. President Bush has decided to step up to Lott, and let him know who’s the boss when it comes to funding military bases. I don’t know the details of the story, mainly because I don’t care, which means you don’t either. But if you really want to hurt my feelings The Washington Post as well as other papers give a slightly more detailed account of the story than what I just told you. My problem here is that this ignorant shit-kicker is back. When he made his comments about Strom Thurmond, I thought that was it. But, apparently I was wrong. If being a Klansman these days doesn’t lose you an election, what does? This jerk-off is living in the early nineteenth century, and we want him running the country? What the fuck is wrong with us? Remember when politicians use to be honorable and trustworthy? You knew where they stood, and you could count on them always giving a straight answer. Remember when they devoted their lives to serving the people? Each day they’d wake up, just itching to make the world a better place. Do you remember that? No? You know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED! I’m going now, ciao.

The Cost Of The First Amendment

“It’s not often that you get to be affectionate towards something that's German.”
-Larry David

I was doing some research earlier today for a class on interest groups. I was online when I found a listing of all official political parties in the United States. I couldn’t believe how many there were. There were the usual ones that we all see when we’re voting for one of the two parties that actually matter. There was the Libertarian Party, the Green Party, the Right to Life Party, and the Constitution Party. But then I started seeing parties that I didn’t even know existed. Much to my surprise, there’s still a Prohibition Party. They support strong family values, effective government (go figure) and clean living.
This, of course, is in stark contrast to the Legalize It Society who promotes living in a haze of drugs, and not washing your hair, or any other part of your body for that matter. But I couldn’t believe that a law stricken down over seventy years ago could still have a party representing that idea. But perhaps they support prohibition of all stimulants and depressives. Maybe they want to outlaw alcohol, tobacco, coffee, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi and anything else that tastes or feels good (the same probably goes for sex as well). I also have to wonder how demoralizing it would be for members of this party who haven’t had a clear victory since the Hoover Administration. At what point do you just give up, move to Utah and live with the only other people on earth who adhere to your values? Maybe they’re sticking around to see what happens in the next seventy years.
There were all kinds of parties that made me laugh, but the one that made me cry was the Nazi Party. Yes, we have a registered Nazi Party, and they’re allowed to run for elected office. I was shocked when I first saw it, but then I thought it could have just been a misspelling. After all, maybe they meant the Yazi Party, who we all know and hold with high regard. But I had to find out for sure.
Running the risk of having a Webmaster at The Firm stumble upon my visited sites, something that would almost certain doom to my very impressive career as an Administrative Services Clerk, I once again felt the call of duty, and pressed on the link. It was, in fact, the National Nazi Party of these United States. But I wonder why we never see them running for elected office. Maybe they only run where they think they may have a sliver of a chance of winning, like Alabama, or Medford. I could only imagine what would happen to some poor, bald-headed freak who’s been deprived of sunlight for years, and now wants to tell us that Blacks and Jews are running the world and it has to be stopped. I think he would be tied to the back of an SUV and dragged down west Broadway while the liberal socialites are coming out of their Portland Arts and Lectures Series night. People would cheer, spit on the quickly evaporating corpse, and then drive back up into the hills where they can look down on everyone again (hypocrisy? I don’t think so).
The website was about what one would expect from a bunch of ignorant shit kicking, sister-raping douche bags. They try to grab the reader by giving a frightening hypothetical scenario of a sweet, young, virginal girl going on her way to deliver toys to homeless children with diseases when she’s suddenly harassed by some dark-skinned man coming from the shadows of whatever alley he just shot up heroin in. He won’t leave the girl alone and there’s nothing she can do, because this guy’s obviously insane. I know I was hooked. I went out and registered with the Nazi party. I got a black t-shirt in the mail along with some black jeans, black steel-toed boots, and a Bic razor. Mein Kampf is on its way from Amazon, and I can’t wait to read it. Actually, I’m semi-illiterate, so I probably won’t read the whole thing. I’ll just find some punchy quote to repeat every time I kick the shit out of a queer, and rape his girlfriend. Then I’m going to go fuck a twelve year old and slaughter a family of kittens. OH GOD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
I must apologize for my recent outburst. I lost my temper there, and that should never happen with a person who has as much responsibility as I do. I really am sorry. But, while we’re on the subject, what’s up with Bush not saying anything about this shooting in Montana? He took the time to go to Florida because one woman was slowly dying, but ten Native Americans are slaughtered, and he’s nowhere to be found. What the fuck? Is he really so blatantly blinded by politics, that he can’t even see when he’s being an asshole anymore? I think we should talk about Bush’s tendencies towards racism another time. I just felt I had an obligation to mention all of this, being that I am the voice of the people. Who else is going to do it?