It ain’t Dylan Going Electric, But…

In my days as a young tyke, I like many other children out there felt there was no better feeling in life than the fourth quarter/ninth inning comeback. Surely there was nothing better, and why would anyone waste their time trying to achieve anything else? This, of course, was before I discovered sex, music, drugs (nothing too hard) and the like. But the end-of-the-game comeback was the most pure pleasure I could have enjoyed. The adrenaline was like nothing else, and that was all I wanted out of life.
This is the story of many kids of all generations. We worshipped those who were paid for the experience (paid disgusting salaries, as a matter of fact), and that’s why Sports Center probably has had a bigger influence on me as a person than perhaps any other show, song, movie, person in through all kinds of media. The eternal debate back then was whether it would be good to comeback on the road (the advantage of silencing 60,000 people all at once) or at home (the obvious advantage being that the 60,000 people are louder than anything on Earth and it’s all because of – and for – you) was the most partisan argument you could find.
The reason I look back at the hours spent watching Sports Center as a positive influence is because of the people who were at the helm in those days. I had come to expect news anchors of all stripes to be serious, pompous, humorless jerks. The anchors on Sports Center showed me that it could actually be fun and work at the same time. Keith Olberman and Craig Kilbourne brought a sense of humor to a medium that had long catered to undereducated, self-righteous stuffed shirts and ex-athletes who knew nothing more than who the third string right tackle was for the 1965 Oilers. Their personality didn’t translate to the real world, and therefore it was hard to relate to these people. Certainly, if I shared the same passions as these people, I was going to be in a lot of trouble (I do realize that Olberman and Kilbourne were not the first sportscasters with a good sense of humor, but they were as far as the scope of my experience reached, so BACK OFF!). It was watching them that I realized I didn’t want to be a professional athlete; I wanted to be the guy who makes smart comments about the professional athletes. They looked like they were having fun, and without the crippling injuries (if you don’t count career injuries, which we will discuss).
So it is needless to say that I was disappointed when I’d heard that Kilbourne was leaving to start “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central. First of all, I didn’t like to stay up to 11 back then, and second, the idea of such a talented man doing a show on a network whose flagship show was old reruns of “Kids in the Hall” seemed like a terrible waste of talent.
Kilbourne would earn mild success with “The Daily Show,” a fact that has been pulverized by the immense success of Jon Stewart’s takeover of the show. I never watched Kilbourne’s version, but it sounds like his sense of humor didn’t translate too well to the political arena. From there, his luck worsened as he had a sturdy, but ultimately unsuccessful run backing up Letterman. He had built his own following, but it was perhaps a little too much like Letterman, with his eccentric sense of humor that “not everyone gets.” Kilbourne didn’t last too long, and it’s a damned shame. He was so talented where he began, but he was blinded by the big bucks, and it spelled his downfall (Of course, for all I know, he could be living in a mansion in Jamaica with a beautiful Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, that would be a pretty smooth downfall). I would imagine Jon Stewart’s success with a crossover to the sports world would be similarly successful. It’s good to want to enter new areas of knowledge, but it can be dangerous.

As for Olberman, it took him a few more years to move on from his day job. I guess he figured that once they started letting Stuart Scott in the studio, it was time to move on (No, that wasn’t meant to be a racist joke, it was simply a slight nod to those of us who remember Scott as a reporter out in the field; always talking in an empty stadium/arena, and never really doing the big stories; known better as “that guy who looks like Carlton from Fresh Prince.” Believe me, I was applauding the day that Carlton became an anchor…I swear!).
To MSNBC Olberman went, slowly finding a niche as one of possibly three liberal television personalities on cable news. I started watching him every once in a while, and I realized that this guy is pretty good. He says interesting things; his sense of humor does translate to the political arena, and whomever he talks to, whether he agrees with them or not, he isn’t sitting on a mike-cutting button that he can pounce on when needed. Olberman’s a good shit, and now that he’s found a niche as a small-time commentator with a loyal following, it’ll be interesting to see how long they wait to cancel him due to low ratings. What may be even more surprising is that Joe Scarborough doesn’t seem so evil now that he’s not on Fox news. I really don’t know what’s going on in the world when I can stomach five minutes of him.
But I’m talking about Keith. His show, Countdown, revolves around five main stories, and he likes to talk about in depth, usually with little outside commentary (which I think is a good thing, because when I really want to watch two adults act like five-year-olds, I’ll hang out my parents). He has two features that he uses on almost every show: The worst person of the day award (he also includes two finalists, the worse, and worser) and his long drawn out soliloquies at the end of each show. They are usually spoken in the second person and directed for the most part at the president. Whoever writes his scripts is very good, and he’s not afraid to use big words; the sign of a true Democrat.
His speeches are given with just a hint of anger, but mostly, you can tell Olberman is just trying to get through his tirade without botching any words. But he almost always gets through them, and you find yourself not only agreeing with him, but admiring the way he is able to lend voice to what many of us are thinking, but are having a hard time saying. Don’t get me wrong, Olberman is not a genius. He’s just good at what he does; something that will eventually get him crucified as soon as he becomes famous enough.
So the old Sports Center crew is batting .500, not bad by any standards. Scott is still doing football with Berman, a man who would love to switch media arenas if he could only find another use for the “He could…go…all…the…way…” line that he is probably sick of using by now. Maybe there’s a reality dating show that could use his commentary.

So, what made me think of this? I was listening to Olberman’s speech at the end of the day, and I had an epiphany that I’ve had a thousand times before, but I think is important to remember. There really is no difference between what Olberman was doing ten years ago, and what he’s doing now. And, why is that? It’s not because he’s an anchor, and it’s roughly the same job, it’s that the material is roughly the same. I mean, how different from sports are politics? They both have a bottom line contest, a zero-sum game of winner and loser. If it’s a win-win situation in the House or Senate, no one gives two shits about it anyways. What also makes these two competitions so similar is their importance to our lives; as in none.
Now, I should clarify here, because I hate when people talk about how voting is a waste of time, and no matter what happens, my life won’t be different. That’s not true, and anyone who says different is too lazy to care whether or not they benefit from the taxes they constantly bitch about paying to get off their ass and walk a few blocks to the precinct (and if you live in Oregon, you’re really lazy). What doesn’t matter is the process, what does matter is the result. In this manner, the sports arena is contrary to my theory. Take a college football game being played by two similarly ranked teams. It is a very well played game and the winner isn’t decided until the final seconds. Ask yourself how much who the winner is really matters. In some ways, it doesn’t matter at all. It was a close game, and sometimes the difference can mean a stiff breeze, or a blown call (just ask Oklahoma). Both teams are really the same skill, and watching them arrive at that final point is a beautiful thing to see. The end is always fun to watch, but the process of watching the two teams is incredibly interesting, and that’s why we watch football.
In politics, the process is the ugliest thing you will ever see. I watched a House race debate in Indiana (I think) and it literally took less than a minute for the two candidates to start calling each other names. Attack ads have become racist, sexist, dishonest and senseless in all manner of speaking. Pundits bitch about how they’re worse than last time, and they’re probably right because these people have absolutely no shame. Unlike football, watching a political race is like watching a train wreck (that’s why I watch it). People don’t even blink before politicizing the fact that a House member should probably be in jail for molesting underage children who wanted little more than to work at the Capitol. That’s fucked up.
It’s a disgusting thing to watch, but that doesn’t mean you should stop, I certainly have no intention of doing so. What I do think we need to do is separate the shit from the shit. It’s possible that I’ve become so callous that I can follow a race like this without becoming emotionally invested (it also helps that I’m not in a state with any key races this time, or any time for that matter) in the outcome. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe, only then will this shit stop working, and maybe the shit will stop all together (pause for laugh). I wouldn’t mind. I could always watch the WWF, or whatever they call that pageant these days.
To finish (yes, finally) I would just like to say that when I spoke of the process earlier, I wasn’t talking about the most fundamental aspect of elections; the actual act of voting. This is probably the most important part of our government (at least, that’s what they told me in 4th grade), but the shit that surrounds it forces us to forget this. I should also say that while I may not think the outcome of the election is important, it is still important to stay engaged. That’s the only thing that keeps these scumbags from completely forgetting about us. Whoever “wins” tomorrow, little will change, but just going out there and saying, “Hey fuckers, I’m watching you” will do mountains of good in keeping us from getting too screwed over. I’m done with the serious shit; I’ll leave the rest up to Puff Daddy, or P-Diddy, or whatever the fuck his name is.

I wanted to talk a lot more before the election, but apathy prevented me from doing it. I wanted to talk about how Glen Beck is the most annoying dickhead in the world; the one guy who followed in President Bush’s tracks as the “Folksy” president, and runs a news show with the premise that he knows absolutely nothing about reporting the news…brilliant. I also wanted to discuss how John Kerry once again showed that the Democratic Party is comprised of the biggest group of pussies in the world. But neither of these revelations will come as a surprise you guys, and if you’re anything like me, you just want to get back to CNN.com, MSNBC.com, and any other semi-legitimate news site for election returns. Happy hunting, and whatever the outcome, just remember: little will be different tomorrow, and that’s a good thing.